I'm beginning to wonder why I picked this blog challenge. These topics are pretty heavy for a sarcasm filled blog like mine. However, I'm up for a challenge. I'm not ashamed of the way I feel so there's no reason not to write about it. After today though, it's all love! If there is anyone reading this though, please comment! I like to know who's actually reading my thoughts and feelings! Don't be scared!
This next post is by far my life's most personal story. I am not ashamed of this particular time in my life. Some of you know this story, some know parts of it and others know nothing. There is not one person alive that knows the entire story so there is lots more to be said about it, but by the end you will know more than enough. I don't share it to get pity, because that's the one thing I don't want. I share it so that people realize there are real problems that real kids go through at lots of different ages. I think more people need to talk about it.
Day Five Challenge: A Time I Thought About Ending My Own Life
I was 11 the first time I tried to kill myself. I had gotten to a point in my life that I wanted to be done. I thought I couldn't possibly take it anymore and my only option was to die. Obviously, I wasn't successful at my attempt.
I was in sixth grade. I had somehow convinced myself that I had become friends with the popular group of girls at school. I sat with them at lunch, I played with them at recess and I even had sleepovers with them on the weekends. I suppose some might call that friendship. I thought so. One day, however, they all stopped talking to me. Just like that. I had no idea what I had done, I just felt panicked and afraid. A few days later a boy in my class came up to me and told me he had heard I was a lesbian. I had no idea what he was talking about and he just explained that that's what everyone was saying. Sure enough, it was. The entire grade (and I'm sure others) were talking about it. My so-called friends had been the ones to start the rumors. I suddenly had zero friends. I would walk alone, eat alone, sit alone at recess. People would point and laugh at me. I was called horrible names. The people I thought were my friends laughed about it and pushed the rumors further. I honestly had no idea why it was so bad to be called a lesbian, I just knew that no one wanted to come close to me or be my friend.
On it's own, I might had gotten over this. I like to think I would have been able to handle making new friends and moving on. What destroyed me is what was going on away from school.
For a number of years, including the time I was going through this at school, I was being regularly physically and sexually abused by someone my family knew well. No one knew about it. It was just me and my abuser in a sick little game. I was threatened with the immediate death of both me and my parents if I told anyone. I believed it entirely. I lived my life in terror. I was afraid to be alone, afraid to sleep, even afraid to shower. It consumed me.
I saw myself as worthless. I hated myself, no one else could possibly love me. I didn't know how to lift myself up. I needed something that I couldn't grab hold of. I felt a shadow over me all the time. I sobbed every night as I tried to force myself to sleep.
At 11 years old, I felt I had no where to go. I was alone in my darkest place. Instead of telling my parents and watching them face certain death, I knew my life would be the one less missed. One day, I swallowed a bottle of pills. I uncontrollably threw it up shortly after.
I'm not really sure how I did make it through. A large part of me surviving gets credited to the girls that became my friends later in the year. They took me in and loved me, no matter what the other kids said. I'm still friends with those girls and I can't even express how grateful I am for them.
I know that what I went through at that part of my life shapes who I am today, but it certainly doesn't define me. I feel lucky all the time that I ended up a happy, healthy person. My life could have gone in a very different direction. I do carry it with me, but now I walk over it instead of letting it hang above me.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Blog Challenge: Day Four
I'm glad I got some of my readers back! Check out the comments of my last post because there are some different views on the maryjane issue and my final thoughts too. :)
This next post is probably the hardest to put words to. I probably shouldn't write about it because I don't want to offend or upset anyone. But, since I told you all I support pot, what more harm can I do..haha. Again, these are my experiences only, but ask Daniel his anytime you want. :)
My Views on Religion
The most simple way for me to put this: I don't know.
Having been raised in a strict LDS household, I grew up believing I knew the truth because I was told it was true. That was that. It just was. My dad is super outspoken about his unwavering faith in the church. His dad, my Grandpa, has held pretty much every calling, from stake president to patriarch to temple sealer. The only time I ever see my dad cry is when he talks about his testimony. My mom is a convert and is equally firm in her beliefs, but less in your face about it.
We didn't have a house that had nightly scripture reading or Family Home Evening though. We knew what our parents believed, we all went to church every week and we knew what we were supposed to believe as well. It was all pretty straightforward. I loved going to Young Womens because I had fun.
I specifically remember when my first issues with church came up. I was 15 and upset because my oldest brother was allowed to go on a mission. He never should have and I knew it, and I hated that they let him go anyways. (I will interject that for both my older brothers, I now believe missions were the best things that happened to them at that point in their lives. They both ended up much better people because of it.) That's the first time I started taking advantage of not being "forced" to go to church.
I did continue going for the most part and even after I moved out, thanks to my wonderful roomate aka Becca, I even tried a singles ward. That might have been a mistake. It was a meat market and I hated the way the people there made me feel. I wasn't pretty enough for the men to look at or talk to and I was young and a threat to the women so they would just give me dirty looks. Church wasn't supposed to feel that way. That's when I stopped going altogether.
Now, even though I didn't go to church, I still believed in it. I fully planned on getting married in the temple. That was the only option in my brain.
Then it happened. I read a book. That book made me read another book and then the more I read the more questions I had. I've never been good at the term "that's just the way it is". I always want to know WHY that's the way it is. I want answers. From questions came issues. From issues came a new way of seeing things. And from that came the end.
I respect religion. I have said many times that if I were to go to any church, it would be back to the Mormon church. I appreciate the values it teaches. I respect where I come from and what my family believes. I won't say anything bad about the LDS church because there is no reason to. I have no problem with it. I think religion in one of the healthiest things a person can believe in. It gives comfort and peace to people.
All I know for sure, is that I don't know. I don't talk about religion only because I can't tell people what I don't know. I do know that for me, it doesn't play a role in my life right now. I am open to the thought that one day I might drastically change my mind. I just don't see my mind changing at this point. I am by no means a radical in any direction.
So there you have it. My vague views on religion.
Tomorrow's post might be the most depressing, but after that, we should be all positivity for the next topics. Love you all! :)
This next post is probably the hardest to put words to. I probably shouldn't write about it because I don't want to offend or upset anyone. But, since I told you all I support pot, what more harm can I do..haha. Again, these are my experiences only, but ask Daniel his anytime you want. :)
My Views on Religion
The most simple way for me to put this: I don't know.
Having been raised in a strict LDS household, I grew up believing I knew the truth because I was told it was true. That was that. It just was. My dad is super outspoken about his unwavering faith in the church. His dad, my Grandpa, has held pretty much every calling, from stake president to patriarch to temple sealer. The only time I ever see my dad cry is when he talks about his testimony. My mom is a convert and is equally firm in her beliefs, but less in your face about it.
We didn't have a house that had nightly scripture reading or Family Home Evening though. We knew what our parents believed, we all went to church every week and we knew what we were supposed to believe as well. It was all pretty straightforward. I loved going to Young Womens because I had fun.
I specifically remember when my first issues with church came up. I was 15 and upset because my oldest brother was allowed to go on a mission. He never should have and I knew it, and I hated that they let him go anyways. (I will interject that for both my older brothers, I now believe missions were the best things that happened to them at that point in their lives. They both ended up much better people because of it.) That's the first time I started taking advantage of not being "forced" to go to church.
I did continue going for the most part and even after I moved out, thanks to my wonderful roomate aka Becca, I even tried a singles ward. That might have been a mistake. It was a meat market and I hated the way the people there made me feel. I wasn't pretty enough for the men to look at or talk to and I was young and a threat to the women so they would just give me dirty looks. Church wasn't supposed to feel that way. That's when I stopped going altogether.
Now, even though I didn't go to church, I still believed in it. I fully planned on getting married in the temple. That was the only option in my brain.
Then it happened. I read a book. That book made me read another book and then the more I read the more questions I had. I've never been good at the term "that's just the way it is". I always want to know WHY that's the way it is. I want answers. From questions came issues. From issues came a new way of seeing things. And from that came the end.
I respect religion. I have said many times that if I were to go to any church, it would be back to the Mormon church. I appreciate the values it teaches. I respect where I come from and what my family believes. I won't say anything bad about the LDS church because there is no reason to. I have no problem with it. I think religion in one of the healthiest things a person can believe in. It gives comfort and peace to people.
All I know for sure, is that I don't know. I don't talk about religion only because I can't tell people what I don't know. I do know that for me, it doesn't play a role in my life right now. I am open to the thought that one day I might drastically change my mind. I just don't see my mind changing at this point. I am by no means a radical in any direction.
So there you have it. My vague views on religion.
Tomorrow's post might be the most depressing, but after that, we should be all positivity for the next topics. Love you all! :)
Monday, January 24, 2011
Blog Challenge: Day Three
(Hi Erica! Thanks for being my one remaining reader! :) This one's for you haha.)
Today is about: My Views on Drugs and Alcohol
*Disclaimer: These opinions are mine alone..for Daniel's, you will have to ask him.
I grew up in a house that was strongly against all drugs and alcohol. It wasn't just because I grew up in an LDS household, but also because my parents had personal backgrounds with both substances. My dad was a recreational drug/alcohol user in his high school days (that's what those stake presidents sons get themselves into). He started dating my mom shortly after high school and she told him she would not marry him or continue dating him unless he cut out everything and became the man to take her to the temple. He did, and obviously, they did.
My mom's experiences are much different. She grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father and from the effects of that, she never got involved with it in her own life. She is the most anti drug/alcohol person I've ever met.
The reason I give those backgrounds is so that you understand how I was raised to view these things. I think the only downfall to being raised in a house that was so passionately against it was that it made me more curious about it. You would think that it would make me never want to touch the stuff, but I think it had the opposite effect. In high school I lived kind of a double life. With my closest girlfriends, I went to young women activities and stayed clean. With a few other friends who didn't cross groups, I experimented with drinking and mild drugs. It wasn't much because I had a constant feeling of guilt associated with what I was doing. I think the main reason I even did it at the time is because I was running from other parts of my life and trying to cover up the problems.
After high school I stopped any drugs altogether, but drinking became something I played around with more. I went to parties and Vegas with friends far too many times.
The thing is, I come from alcoholic blood. It takes A LOT of alcohol to get me drunk. I have never understood why people drink just to get drunk. First of all, most alcohol tastes disgusting. Why force yourself to drink crap just to get sloppy and not know whats going on around you? That's not to say I didn't do exactly that, but everytime I thought it was ridiculous myself. It didn't really take me long to realize I was over it.
So now, I don't drink. I see no need for it in my own life. I don't judge those that do (obviously I can't), but I just don't need it. I will admit to the rare occasion of having a margarita with good Mexican food, or a glass of wine at a dinner party, but beyond that I'm just not interested.
I will say this about drugs. I am 100% against drug use, with the exception of marijuana. Just to clarify, I DONT SMOKE POT. But, I see less problems with that than addictive and harmful cigarettes. I believe one day marijuana will be legal and I think it should be so it can be taxed and regulated.
So that's that. my long ramble about my own experiences with drugs and alcohol. We are still friends, right? :)
Today is about: My Views on Drugs and Alcohol
*Disclaimer: These opinions are mine alone..for Daniel's, you will have to ask him.
I grew up in a house that was strongly against all drugs and alcohol. It wasn't just because I grew up in an LDS household, but also because my parents had personal backgrounds with both substances. My dad was a recreational drug/alcohol user in his high school days (that's what those stake presidents sons get themselves into). He started dating my mom shortly after high school and she told him she would not marry him or continue dating him unless he cut out everything and became the man to take her to the temple. He did, and obviously, they did.
My mom's experiences are much different. She grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father and from the effects of that, she never got involved with it in her own life. She is the most anti drug/alcohol person I've ever met.
The reason I give those backgrounds is so that you understand how I was raised to view these things. I think the only downfall to being raised in a house that was so passionately against it was that it made me more curious about it. You would think that it would make me never want to touch the stuff, but I think it had the opposite effect. In high school I lived kind of a double life. With my closest girlfriends, I went to young women activities and stayed clean. With a few other friends who didn't cross groups, I experimented with drinking and mild drugs. It wasn't much because I had a constant feeling of guilt associated with what I was doing. I think the main reason I even did it at the time is because I was running from other parts of my life and trying to cover up the problems.
After high school I stopped any drugs altogether, but drinking became something I played around with more. I went to parties and Vegas with friends far too many times.
The thing is, I come from alcoholic blood. It takes A LOT of alcohol to get me drunk. I have never understood why people drink just to get drunk. First of all, most alcohol tastes disgusting. Why force yourself to drink crap just to get sloppy and not know whats going on around you? That's not to say I didn't do exactly that, but everytime I thought it was ridiculous myself. It didn't really take me long to realize I was over it.
So now, I don't drink. I see no need for it in my own life. I don't judge those that do (obviously I can't), but I just don't need it. I will admit to the rare occasion of having a margarita with good Mexican food, or a glass of wine at a dinner party, but beyond that I'm just not interested.
I will say this about drugs. I am 100% against drug use, with the exception of marijuana. Just to clarify, I DONT SMOKE POT. But, I see less problems with that than addictive and harmful cigarettes. I believe one day marijuana will be legal and I think it should be so it can be taxed and regulated.
So that's that. my long ramble about my own experiences with drugs and alcohol. We are still friends, right? :)
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Blog Challenge: Day Two
Two days in a row. Booyah!
Today's topic is: Where I'd like to be in 10 Years
This is a tough one for me. For anyone that knows me, you know I'm not much of a planner. Sure, there are certain things I plan out in advance: vacations, meals for the week, monthly budgeting. That's about it. There are a few things I hope to be true in 10 years though.
1. I would like to have 2 happy and healthy kids
2. I would like to be working a little less and at home a little more
3. I would like to be living comfortably enough that my family and I can travel and enjoy various vacations together (although this might be hard if #2 is to be true)
4. I would like for both myself and Daniel to be healthy and in shape, living as active a lifestyle as we can
5. I would like to have a normal, healthy relationship with my parents and my family as a whole
That's about all I can think of, honestly. I know there are bigger goals I should have for my life over the next ten years but I like to keep it simple. :)
What about you? Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Today's topic is: Where I'd like to be in 10 Years
This is a tough one for me. For anyone that knows me, you know I'm not much of a planner. Sure, there are certain things I plan out in advance: vacations, meals for the week, monthly budgeting. That's about it. There are a few things I hope to be true in 10 years though.
1. I would like to have 2 happy and healthy kids
2. I would like to be working a little less and at home a little more
3. I would like to be living comfortably enough that my family and I can travel and enjoy various vacations together (although this might be hard if #2 is to be true)
4. I would like for both myself and Daniel to be healthy and in shape, living as active a lifestyle as we can
5. I would like to have a normal, healthy relationship with my parents and my family as a whole
That's about all I can think of, honestly. I know there are bigger goals I should have for my life over the next ten years but I like to keep it simple. :)
What about you? Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Blog Challenge!
Hello Strangers..aka.. the 2 people that might read this blog.
I'm going to blog this month! I know, you'll believe it when you see it. Well guess what? Along with everyone else I am going to do a 30 day blog challenge. Because I'm not much for following rules or traditional format, I'm just going to start it right now in the middle (almost end) of the month!
Here's the deal. I write about a different topic everyday. Easy enough.
Here's my topic list in case you wanna get all sorts of excited for the days to come.
Aren't you just dying to know my feelings on some of those topics? Cause I am. (Although I will be changing a couple of them (Tumblrs? Huh?) Here we go!
Day One: My Current Relationship
I am married. 4 years now. To a champion. Someone told me today I totally scored in the husband department and I would have to agree. Daniel is my very best friend. My mom has asked me a few times what I see in him and I cant never adaquately explain why I feel so strongly about him. I just love being his wife. I have known quite a few friends and family who ended up in marriages that weren't great. I've heard everything from it not being an equal partnership, to not sleeping in the same bed or being able to hold a simple conversation when in the same room. I feel so sad for those people because that's not how life should be. I feel really strongly that marriage should be based on friendship first. Obviously, there HAS to be more than that, but if I didn't consider Daniel to be my friend, I think we would be screwed. One day my amazing good looks will fade and Daniel won't be such a hot ticket anymore and then what will we do? I truly enjoy my time with Daniel, even the days I want to punch him in the face (and sometimes I ask him if I can..and he lets me). I would never claim to have a perfect relationship. We argue, we disagree on a lot of things and there's always...something. But I also laugh every day, hold my husbands hand every chance I get and fall asleep every night next to a man who I happen to know would do anything for me. My current relationship is good.
I'm going to blog this month! I know, you'll believe it when you see it. Well guess what? Along with everyone else I am going to do a 30 day blog challenge. Because I'm not much for following rules or traditional format, I'm just going to start it right now in the middle (almost end) of the month!
Here's the deal. I write about a different topic everyday. Easy enough.
Here's my topic list in case you wanna get all sorts of excited for the days to come.
Aren't you just dying to know my feelings on some of those topics? Cause I am. (Although I will be changing a couple of them (Tumblrs? Huh?) Here we go!
Day One: My Current Relationship
I am married. 4 years now. To a champion. Someone told me today I totally scored in the husband department and I would have to agree. Daniel is my very best friend. My mom has asked me a few times what I see in him and I cant never adaquately explain why I feel so strongly about him. I just love being his wife. I have known quite a few friends and family who ended up in marriages that weren't great. I've heard everything from it not being an equal partnership, to not sleeping in the same bed or being able to hold a simple conversation when in the same room. I feel so sad for those people because that's not how life should be. I feel really strongly that marriage should be based on friendship first. Obviously, there HAS to be more than that, but if I didn't consider Daniel to be my friend, I think we would be screwed. One day my amazing good looks will fade and Daniel won't be such a hot ticket anymore and then what will we do? I truly enjoy my time with Daniel, even the days I want to punch him in the face (and sometimes I ask him if I can..and he lets me). I would never claim to have a perfect relationship. We argue, we disagree on a lot of things and there's always...something. But I also laugh every day, hold my husbands hand every chance I get and fall asleep every night next to a man who I happen to know would do anything for me. My current relationship is good.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Cruisin' the Coast
Daniel and I decided we needed to take one more big vacation before we have a little baby in our house changing things up a bit. Half of our family was planning an extended trip to Disneyland so we figured that was a good time to go on our own trip. We rented a car and drove from here to San Francisco, from San Fran to San Diego, then back home. It was a lot of driving, especially for my poor legs/hips, but it was totally worth it.
The drive from Monterey to Pismo Beach was amazing. Full of beautiful scenery of cliffs and ocean the entire way. We stayed in Pismo one night.
On our way to Anaheim to meet up with the family for a day at Disneyland, we drove through where I grew up and Daniel saw all the places I spent my childhood, which was nice to share. Disneyland was a blast. Daniel hadn't been since he was a kid and I hadn't been for years so it was a fun day. Since I'm preggo I couldn't ride the best rides, but it was still lots of fun. The park wasn't too busy, the weather was great and it was so cool to see Disney at Christmastime.
Our last stop was San Diego for the Utes' football game. We met up with most of the family again and "enjoyed" half of a very wet, very cold football game. Us women and children left at halftime but Daniel and Boo stuck it out to see the Utes win! The next morning we said goodbye to everyone and made our way home through Vegas, where we were nice and boring and didnt step foot in a casino but just slept to finish the trip home. So that was that! I'm so glad we got to do this together because who knows how long it will be until we can do it again!
We had never been to San Fran before, so we spent the first 3 days there. We saw all the main sights except for Alcatraz.
Next, we made our way down to Monterey. We had limited time there, but it was gorgeous. We did make sure to get in a trip to the famous Aquarium, which Daniel was all sorts of excited about.
Next, we made our way down to Monterey. We had limited time there, but it was gorgeous. We did make sure to get in a trip to the famous Aquarium, which Daniel was all sorts of excited about.
The drive from Monterey to Pismo Beach was amazing. Full of beautiful scenery of cliffs and ocean the entire way. We stayed in Pismo one night.
On our way to Anaheim to meet up with the family for a day at Disneyland, we drove through where I grew up and Daniel saw all the places I spent my childhood, which was nice to share. Disneyland was a blast. Daniel hadn't been since he was a kid and I hadn't been for years so it was a fun day. Since I'm preggo I couldn't ride the best rides, but it was still lots of fun. The park wasn't too busy, the weather was great and it was so cool to see Disney at Christmastime.
Our last stop was San Diego for the Utes' football game. We met up with most of the family again and "enjoyed" half of a very wet, very cold football game. Us women and children left at halftime but Daniel and Boo stuck it out to see the Utes win! The next morning we said goodbye to everyone and made our way home through Vegas, where we were nice and boring and didnt step foot in a casino but just slept to finish the trip home. So that was that! I'm so glad we got to do this together because who knows how long it will be until we can do it again!Monday, October 25, 2010
An Ode to a Man.
I married a man 4 years ago. We had a long bumpy road to get there but we made a choice. I love that man I married. I love him more today than the day I married him. I love him more today than yesterday. I'm sure I will love him more tomorrow. Unless he doesn't put his laundry away.
I've been told lots of things about him. I've been told he would never love me the way I deserve. I've been told he will use me and abuse me. I've been told he won't think having kids with me is special because he's already been there, done that.
Well guess what? I know he loves me just the way I need to be loved. I know he thinks I'm the best thing thats ever happened to him. He thinks better things about me than I think about myself. Maybe he has experienced all the first time parent things without me, but he sure hasn't done it with me.
And I've never seen him more excited.
When this baby of ours comes... I think I'm going to love that man more than any day I've had before.
I've been told lots of things about him. I've been told he would never love me the way I deserve. I've been told he will use me and abuse me. I've been told he won't think having kids with me is special because he's already been there, done that.
Well guess what? I know he loves me just the way I need to be loved. I know he thinks I'm the best thing thats ever happened to him. He thinks better things about me than I think about myself. Maybe he has experienced all the first time parent things without me, but he sure hasn't done it with me.
And I've never seen him more excited.
When this baby of ours comes... I think I'm going to love that man more than any day I've had before.
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